As I was stressing out massively about our finances and what God was going to do to keep us here and on the field, I turned to my bible. It’s always a good idea to turn to the bible when having an anxiety attack, I think. So today as I read the passage laid out for me in my One Year Bible for Women, the New Living Translation, I was reading all about Solomon and his massive amounts of riches. In my short 2 chapters of II Kings, he acquired sixteen tons of gold from his fleet of ships (9:28), nine thousand pounds of gold from the Queen of Sheba (10:10), and each year he received about 25-tons of gold, not including the additional revenue from merchants and traders, all the kings of Arabia, and the governors of the land (10:14-15). So on one hand I’m thinking, “Awesome! What a waste! Why did Solomon need all that gold!? I mean, give me a break, what was the point?” on the other hand I’m thinking, “OK, God is still the same God. He has access to all that excessive amount of gold. We don’t need near anything like that so God can totally provide for us here.”
Then I go on to read in Acts, about Simon, the sorcerer and him asking how much it would cost for him to have the gift of laying on hands and people receiving the Holy Spirit. OK, I know that story, but what does that have to do with me? And why does Peter reply so harshly? “May your money parish with you…you can have no part in this…turn from your wickedness and pray…perhaps he will forgive you for your evil thoughts, for I can see that you are full of bitterness and held captive by sin.” (8:20-23) Here Simon had just become a new believer and began following Peter wherever he went. Cut the guy some slack! The next verse has Simon pleading that Peter will pray to the Lord for him, so that those things won’t happen. That’s it, end of story. Peter doesn’t say anything else. No one knows what happens with Simon. It’s just right on to the next story. OK God is omniscient, He knows the point of that one and what happens, and I’m sure He has a great reason for all of it.
Then it goes right on to Philip and the Ethiopian eunuch. OK, again, know the story. Philip follows the leading of the Holy Spirit and gets to convert an extremely important muckety-muck in Ethiopia. Awesome! “Then the Spirit of the Lord caught Philip away. The eunuch never saw him again but went on his way rejoicing. Meanwhile Philip found himself farther north at the city of Azotus!” (8:39b-41a) OK, great our God can do all things, including beam up Philip and transport him to another town. Nothing is impossible with our God.
Next is Psalms 130:1,2 & 5 which says,
“From the depths of despair,
O Lord,
I call for your help.
Hear my cry, O Lord.
Pay attention to my prayer.
I am counting on the Lord;
yes, I am counting on him.
I have put my hope in his word.”
My Proverb for the day was 17:2-3, and 3 says, “Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but the Lord test the heart.”
So why are we in such dire straights right now with our finances? God is completely capable, He has all the resources in the world, we have been diligently praying, is it that He is just refining my heart? I guess that’s good and all, but why do I have the same reaction every time we get to this point in our finances? Maybe it’s because I still have yet to learn that God “will provide for you and your little ones” (Gen 50:21).
Lord, help me this day and every day to hold fast to that promise you gave to me on my bed when I was only 19, in tears, and going through a custody battle for my 2 year old little girl. You have been so faithful. I can not even count how many times you have provided for us, even as my family grew, over the years, and yet I continue to worry about the details. How? When? Where? will the money come in to pay the bills, to pay for food, to pay for BFA tuition, to fix the van, to get us to annual conference, to get the stupid cat’s teeth cleaned, cuz she somehow got my rotten teeth problems, etc. I am feeling a lot like the Psalmist today, “from the depths of despair, O Lord, I call for your help. Hear my cry, O Lord. Pay attention to my prayer.” So what do I do now?
“Wait”, I hear you say.
For how long? I ask.
“Until you see my answer.”
OK, Lord, but I am weak, I am only human, and I need your strength. I want to believe, please help my unbelief. Please help me to not take it out on my family as I wait. Help me to be joyful and at peace. And be excited for the amazing way you will provide for us. Help me to be able to glorify you through all of this, and learn my lesson once and for all so I don’t have to continue to be in this place again and again. I want to be a witness for you, so that other’s will learn about your love for them and want a relationship with you. I want to have Philip’s opportunity to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, bring someone to you who will take You back to their country, their town, their home and teach other’s about your love and provision, so that all of the nations will be present at your table in heaven. That is my desire, not to be suffocating from worry about finances. Please free me from these bonds. I know you can, I know you want to, but I don’t know what I am to do in the meantime.
“Trust me”
Trust, it’s such a big word, and yet it sounds so simple.
“Have faith.”
“I love you.”
Thank you Jesus, Thank you Father, Thank you Holy Spirit.
Amen